Whyyy

Okay I haven't written anything in quite some time. And right now I'm really frustrated. Like I don't understand boys. The worst part is the not knowing. If you're a guy and you like me then act like it. Text me. Don't leave me wondering because it makes me question my entire life and hate myself. If you just all of a sudden don't text me one day I'm going to overthink it and overanalyse it until I hate myself. I'm also going to think that I did something wrong and that I'm boring and you never want to talk to me again. When someone has like no self esteem such as myself you can't do these things to her. I probably sound insane but I have like a six sense for when things aren't going to work out with a guy and when he's going to text me or not. And I hate it. I wish that I had never started actually wanting to talk to guys because now I can't just sit at home and do nothing and be happy about it. I'm always thinking about him and it drives me nuts. I need a life. I hate feeling like this. And I'm sure this sounded immature and stupid but that's okay because that's just who I am.

Oh my gosh. Why am I so disgusting. I knew I shouldn't have eaten that much, but I did. I always do. And now I get to lie here wishing I could go back and eat nothing at all. Hopefully I'll have the willpower not to eat like that tomorrow. Why is life such a struggle? Why do I have to fear being fat? Fat isn't the worst thing someone could be. It's not even the worst thing I could be, but still I hate myself. I look in the mirror and hate what I see and I'm sick of it. I always thought that if I could get down to the weight I am now that I would be okay, but I'm not. I still want to lose 10 more and I'll probably still want to lose 10 more after that. When will it end? Why can't I just love myself the way I am? Oh that's right because bikini season is coming and I don't want to be the ugly fat one in a tankini anymore, but no matter how much weight I lose I will be because of my disgusting stretch marks.

You know what I absolutely hate? Pms. Like why do we have to be moody and bloated and have food cravings for a week, just to be moody, bloated, and hungry while we're bleeding the week after. It sucks. You see normally I'm pretty good about keeping track of my calorie intake but because I'm pmsing I can't stop eating. Even when I'm not hungry! Whatever so the past few days have been bad. I just won't eat tomorrow. Problem solved.

Have you ever just looked at yourself in the mirror. I mean really looked. Have you ever just stood in front of the mirror and pointed out every single flaw? Oh you haven't? Yeah me neither...

I think that feeling fat is one of the worst state's of mind that you can be in. And if you're fat, it's not like other addictions. You can't just cut food out of your life like you would cocaine if you were a coke addict. I'm not saying being fat is any worse or even close to being a drug addict, but food can be an addiction. It's an addiction that you have to deal with pretty much everyday for the rest of your life. So you try to fight your addiction. You try to eat healthy, but, for me at least, that never lasts long. Then you try not to eat as much and soon you're obsessed and borderline anorexic, and you start to feel smaller, I mean the lack of food has caused your stomach to flatten, so you look a little smaller. So you feel okay and start to eat again. This is where I normally eat way too much. I never thought I would get to the point where I've even thought of purging my food, but whenever I feel full, I feel absolutely disgusted with myself and I really want to purge, but I don't at least I haven't yet. I do sometimes spit out food if I realize I shouldn't be eating it. I guess the whole point of this was to say that being fat is hard. It's a real struggle and I wish that there will be a day when I can eat whatever I want and not worry about getting on the scale the next morning. I want to feel good about myself. I don't want to have food and weight and measurements and calories on my mind at all times, it gets overwhelming.

Have you ever gotten into a real funk? Like all of your friends are doing something. They're working or out of town and you're stuck at home. I hate the feeling of being alone, but I know I'm not alone. My friends haven't necessarily ditched me they're just busy and it's the holidays so obviously it's supposed to be family time. I've been in this funk way too many times. So this time I'm not going to let myself get back into the funk. I'm going to make plans and until those plans come through I'm going to blast some good music, do some chores, and then pamper myself. I mean everyone needs a break from people every once in a while right? I just need a night with the girls with some alcohol and I'll be good as new, but until then I'm not going to let myself feel bad. I'm just fine.

Have you ever just looked at yourself in the mirror and dissected every single thing about yourself and pointed out every individual flaw? No? Oh yeah me neither. I mean I wasn't literally just doing that or anything.